Monday, February 2, 2009

The Race of Faith

Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easliy entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Thank goodness for the great Hall of Faith of the precious saints and the wonderful testimonies in Hebrew 11. It lets me know I am not alone, nor crazy at times. I imagine that is what the writer of Hebrews 12 is wanting us to know, that we are on the right track of the race, even when it doesn't appear so, just like when Jesus was on the cross. In fact, how many times have you done something you felt the Lord was calling you to do that didn't make any sense according to the world, much less some of your friends? Thank goodness for Godly friends who understand what it is like to feel crazy sometimes in the flesh, but to know it is right in the spirit.
That is exactly where I am right now, another crazy move. It seems when God starts moving in a big way in the spiritual, he moves me in the physical. Two and a half years ago the Lord moved me to a new job and the apartment where I am living. It was exciting because I had the dream of the family coming back together. The apartment was a mile from the girls and they could be back and forth between their father's house and mine. The schools were nearby, along with my church. I also felt the Lord had opened up my new job as a ministry so there was lot's of opportunities in different areas. Of course it didn't go that way. I faced one and a half years of persecution at my job, and my x husband felt threatened with me being so close. It wasn't heaven, just the opposite! My sanity was very questionable at times! Needless to say, as you know, tough times lead you to greater peace and knowledge of the Lord. So, here I am two and half years later and the Lord has once again said move. This time it happened right when the abortion issue opened up, or right before it, I would have to get a calendar and pinpoint it. All I know is all of a sudden I felt compelled to downsize, to get rid of everything I did't need and move into something smaller. In fact, to throw off every weight that is holding me down or back. So the past week I have been throwing things out of my apartment to move into a one bedroom. This has been harder than it sounds. For this apartment has become my home. The only one I have had in the past years. It is where me and the girls have made many memories. I even screened in the back porch that looks out into the woods, where my cats and I love to sit and read. As I was walking around my apartment I couldn't help but cry out and tell the Lord I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay. I wanted to hold onto all those dreams I had of the family coming back together. I wanted what was in the past that I couldn't bring back. It felt like my heart was being ripped out because I knew I had to move on. I have to go, to follow the Lord. Like Abram leaving his homeland, and this time I have no dream, I have absolutely nothing but my faith that the Lord is moving me to where He wants me to go. The past is gone, I have to let go and take the Lord's hand and trust Him. But it is so strange not knowing where I am going or what He is doing. I don't even know my own heart anymore. The past abortions have left it raw and open and exposed. I feel I am teetering on exaustion and sorrow, not knowing which will dominate each day. The only thing I do know is that I am fixing my eyes on Jesus, and pressing forward. I may have no idea where God is leading me but I do know this, I want to throw off all the lies, and all the worldly things that hold me back, for the joy set before me. For God is good my friends, God is good.

With much love in Christ,



Deanna said...

beautiful Pam...let's touch base and chat tomorrow.

Jennifer said...

Beautiful post!

Pam, you have an award waiting for you, so come on over to pick it up.

Have a wonderful weekend!