Sunday, February 15, 2009

Cast Down but Unconquered

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves, we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. NAS Version

As I left off two weeks ago I was moving and it seemed everything was being ripped out from under me. The move went well, with afternoons being filled lugging boxes upstairs, and unpacking as I went. It was as if for an entire week my life was on hold as the transfer of household goods consumed me. On Saturday morning the men came over, moved the heavy stuff, and by 2:00 that afternoon my other apartment was clean, the new one was in order, and I had no clue as to what I was doing. In fact, I looked around my new home with tears, instead of relief. Because to me it represented a new life that I knew nothing about. I guess control equals security? Or false security? I don't know. But I do know that was my easy week. Last week it seems so many things went wrong. But the hardest is when it comes to your kids isn't it? I already have a difficult time with my two daughters and try so hard to be a good mom, but it seems I fail miserably all the time. I have taught them about the Lord and literally begged them not to take the paths I chose, but it seems my youngest is opening doors that are hard to close, and my heart is breaking in a million pieces. The sad thing is I also had to fire her for the second and last time this past Saturday for not showing up for work again. I help manage a Chick-fil-A, so I am her boss also. I had hoped the job would help stabilize her. I cannot talk with her father, we try and can't get anywhere. I pray and pray for them, as I have been for years, and I just watch things go from bad to worse. There was a time not long ago where I didn't think God would ever answer any of my prayers. My faith was so weak. There are times now that I am angry at God, because I can't see anything happening but bad, and I know He can intervene. I do tell Him. And then I do praise Him, because I know He is good and has an awesome plan. I just don't know what it is. The past 7 years since being saved have been hard, with many trials. I sowed so many bad seeds in my life that it seems the reaping will never end. The refining has been slow and painful. I have tried to sow good seeds the past years and as the bible says "Do not grow weary in well doing for in due season you shall reap if you faint not". That is what I keep thinking. But please don't think I am in a self pity mode. I deserve none of the goodness God has given me. If I never reap good on earth, it will still be enough to be saved and not be a slave to sin anymore! To be able to praise God with my heart, soul, and mind is more than I could ever ask! When I think of where He brought me from I can't help but shed tears of joy! My heart just breaks though to think that my daughter would have to pay a heavy price for her mistakes as I have. We don't want our children to go through hurts and pains that are from bad decisions. So the past week has been difficult, but I will leave you with this that I still find amazing. My job is pretty tough, I deal with many, many people a day and many problems, and it is very fast paced. To be honest, I am not crazy about my job, I am very tired at this point and my body hurts. However, I love the people I work with. Saturday night while closing with some of the kids at work, one of the girls said "Miss Pam, you are always so happy, I can't even see you at a funeral, you would be smiling all the time". I looked at her and said "are you serious? You have got to be kidding me. My heart is breaking in a million pieces, I am not happy, and I have turmoil inside me". She said, we know, Miss Pam, but you don't show it on the outside. You are always happy and joyful, you bring life to Chick-fil-A. Right then, I understood so much about how God works through us and how it is about His power and His glory. There was NO WAY I could take credit for bringing life to Chick-fil-A because I knew what was going on inside me. But greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. God is good my friends, God is good......

With much love,



Tammy said...

I can feel your heart breaking for your girls. I have a son,26 from my first marriage of 10 years who is far from God.

As a young boy,I gave him all that I could to make his pain go away because of the divorce,I call it the Guilty Divorce Syndome.Oh,how I wish I could go back a change things but I can't.

I must,like you continue to pray for my child and step out of God way to allow whatever it take to bring him to his knees.Very hard to do!

There are several post I've written about about my prodigal son and what God has shown me.Not sure if you have read this but it might help.

I will be praying for your daughters.

Beth in NC said...

Hey Friend! First, let me say I love your new look! Woo hoo! Beautiful!

Second, I am so sorry about your pain. Even through the pain, the joy of the Lord shines through your face. What an example you are to those kids!

I am sorry you had to fire your daughter. That had to have been a hard assignment.

God is faithful (as you well know)and He loves your kids more than you ever could. Continue to pray and we will join you.

Love you!