Saturday, February 28, 2009

Day 4 of 40 Days for Life!

24 Babies saved so far! Woo-hoo! I don't know if you ladies have signed up at the 40 Days for Life website yet, but if you haven't, your missing some good daily devotions! Today's was on Is anything happening? Boy, do I feel like that sometimes....praying and praying and not seeing any manifestations, right? It can be frustrating...and I won't tell you what all was said about it, you will just have to go the website and join up to get the devotion! There are good things happening all over the country during this time of praying and people are going out in terrible, nasty weather! They are determined to persevere and pray through! Praise the Lord! Also, Silent No More Awareness is joining up with 40 Days on March 10 to offer support. Check out their website, the link is on my sidebar. They carry signs that read "I regret my abortion" . The reason for choosing March 10 is......and please don't throw up... it is Thank your abortionist kidding. Check out the article on the Silent No More site. Also, there are two sweet sisters in Raleigh who have joined the 40 Days for Life Campaign and Jessica has started a blog on her experiences, please visit her at 40 Days for Life Forever. The link is on my sidebar and I have yet to figure out how to put it in this article, and am too tired to try right now!! One last thing. Today I gave my first testimony on my abortions to our Women's ministry at church. There was a wonderful response and I am praying the Lord will use it to build His kingdom, and set women free. I am seeing more and more how the lies of satan in this world have been winning because of truth not being spoken out. I just believe ladies that if everyone would stand up and speak out on the truth of abortion there would be a shift of the way people think in the United States. We need to get information and resources out to women! It's time to stand up!!!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Day 3 of 40 Days for Life Please go to the 40 Days for Life website!

16 BABIES saved so far in the 40 Days for Life campaign! We may think that is not very many compared to how many babies have been aborted everyday, but it is 16 that were NOT aborted. Today was my first day to pray. Upon arrival a praise report was given about a woman who made an appointment at Birthchoice Crisis Pregnancy Center for 11:00. We rejoiced! There were quite a few people there. Some were sidewalk counselors, stationed on the front line who tried to speak with the women driving and walking in and out of the abortion clinic, and then there was us, the prayer warriors, across the street, praying and reading scripture. It was by far the most powerful praying I have ever experienced. It made me think of the Old Testament Prophets, who constantly spoke truth to the Israelites and prayed for their sins against God to be forgiven. I found myself lining up with those prayers, lifting the abortion clinic up to God, asking Him to forgive them for what they do not know nor see with their hearts, begging for their salvation. We spent time standing and on our knees, weeping and singing praises. Amazing Grace was hummed as scripture was read. Oh ladies, it was an experience filled with sweetness also. It was part of my healing process as I tasted the Lord's goodness and forgiveness and felt His love. After speaking briefly to my friends about being able to relate better to the Old Testament Prophets, a man in a truck came by and said ugly things to us. We lifted him up in prayer and my friend just happened to run across Matthew 5:11-12. We praised the Lord and thanked Him for confirming His goodness. I encourage all of you who are able to physically participate in the praying at an abortion clinic to go.....go......for you will not walk away the same. Pray ladies, pray...abortion not only kills a baby, it destroys the mother and affects everyone involved in her life...just ask my living children, and every person that had ever tried to have a relationship with me before I was saved. There are many more involved beyond the 16 babies saved...many more.....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

THANK YOU! And Please Pray for 40 Days For Life!!

Thank you ladies for all the wonderful prayers and help you offered during the difficult time I experienced last week. Thankfully it has passed, and left me with a couple of very distinct impressions from the Lord. One - the most important thing is what God thinks of me, not man. Unfortunately, I can be somewhat of a man pleaser. I don't like to think of myself that way, but it is true in more situations than I care to admit. He is leading me toward His path, and I have hung on to a more wordly and traveled path, unfortunately to make certain people in my life happy, and because of my own fear. Which leads to the second area that has to do with His path - the desire to build the kingdom of God has now became greater than the desire to build myself in the world. This has been a struggle for about a year now. Kind of like being stuck on a seesaw, going up and down! It is a miserable position to be in, but now there is great peace! Which leads to where the Lord is placing me at this time, a Pro-Life Organization called 40 Days for Life. It is a peaceful, prayerful grassroots organization that began a few years ago and has now spread to many cities and a few countries. There are two specific prayer times,(one in the fall and one in the spring), where abortion clinics are covered in prayer (physically by people going there) for 40 days , during hours of operation, if not more. Ladies, it started today, February 25, and will continue until April 5. Please, please go to the website and see if there is a group near you praying, and to obtain more information on what they have accomplished and want to accomplish. You can sign up online for whatever hours you can pray. The website is, or click on the link on my sidebar. Even if there is not a group nearby, you can still pray everyday for this movement. When you sign up online there is a daily devotion with a scripture sent to you during the 40 days of prayer!! Thank you Ladies and God Bless You!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Need Help with a Question!!!!

Ladies, what would you say if someone told you they knew God had forgiven them, but they couldn't forgive themselves? Someone told me this not long ago and I fear that is where I am. The abortions just topped off all the other million things I have done wrong in my life. In my head I know the grace of Jesus Christ is bigger than any sin. It just isn't registering in my heart right now. Also, it appears the Lord is leading me to help post abortive women and the inability to forgive one's self may come up quite a bit. So hopefully, I am going through this to have compassion and understanding for others who feel the same way, and to get more of the crap out of me!! But gosh, right now, everything and every Word of God seems dry and stale. I can definitely see what life without the Word is. Dead. That is how everything is right now. Alright, I have to go to work, but please search your hearts and speak to me!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Give Me Grace!

Today I emailed friends for prayer. Please understand it is not like me to seek help or to be weak. I have been alone for years now, and know what it is like to go through hard times and mountain tops, along with other seasons of the Christian life, including poverty..which I am still in! However, the past few weeks have been much more different than anything I've ever experienced and it is almost overwhelming, especially right now. Let me put it this way, nothing seems right, and nothing is fulfilling or satisfying. Not even my morning coffee. You know those little things you cherish without recognizing that are part of your routine and daily fulfillment in life? Or how about the things you do look foward to during the day? Nothing, and I mean nothing is satisfying me, and the big things are annoying me, like my job. So I took tomorrow off. I am fearful I could get upset and do something stupid like quit. That is how strange things are right now. Anyway, back to the asking for prayer. My friends are wonderful and of course respond with encouraging words and promises of prayer. I love my friends. But you know what I realize more than anything? The only thing they can do is pray and call on Jesus. There is no one right now that can help me but Jesus. No one......and nothing. Not even 5 million dollars would help me right now because what I am in need of is Grace, more Grace.....something money can't buy, something no one has but Jesus. I need a big application of it right to my heart! I need a heart change because something is wrong inside....... So I looked up some verses on grace, and of course it is used in different ways, and I found out it is used 170 times in the bible. Paul used it all the time, and needed it all the time! Me too! Guess which verse I picked out? 2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Well, I am pretty weak right now. A place us strong willed women from the 70's were taught to never be. And it would be wonderful to have God lift me up to a place I've never been, something no one, or nothing in this world can do but Him...... Give me Grace, more Grace.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Cast Down but Unconquered

2 Corinthians 4:7-10 But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves, we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body. NAS Version

As I left off two weeks ago I was moving and it seemed everything was being ripped out from under me. The move went well, with afternoons being filled lugging boxes upstairs, and unpacking as I went. It was as if for an entire week my life was on hold as the transfer of household goods consumed me. On Saturday morning the men came over, moved the heavy stuff, and by 2:00 that afternoon my other apartment was clean, the new one was in order, and I had no clue as to what I was doing. In fact, I looked around my new home with tears, instead of relief. Because to me it represented a new life that I knew nothing about. I guess control equals security? Or false security? I don't know. But I do know that was my easy week. Last week it seems so many things went wrong. But the hardest is when it comes to your kids isn't it? I already have a difficult time with my two daughters and try so hard to be a good mom, but it seems I fail miserably all the time. I have taught them about the Lord and literally begged them not to take the paths I chose, but it seems my youngest is opening doors that are hard to close, and my heart is breaking in a million pieces. The sad thing is I also had to fire her for the second and last time this past Saturday for not showing up for work again. I help manage a Chick-fil-A, so I am her boss also. I had hoped the job would help stabilize her. I cannot talk with her father, we try and can't get anywhere. I pray and pray for them, as I have been for years, and I just watch things go from bad to worse. There was a time not long ago where I didn't think God would ever answer any of my prayers. My faith was so weak. There are times now that I am angry at God, because I can't see anything happening but bad, and I know He can intervene. I do tell Him. And then I do praise Him, because I know He is good and has an awesome plan. I just don't know what it is. The past 7 years since being saved have been hard, with many trials. I sowed so many bad seeds in my life that it seems the reaping will never end. The refining has been slow and painful. I have tried to sow good seeds the past years and as the bible says "Do not grow weary in well doing for in due season you shall reap if you faint not". That is what I keep thinking. But please don't think I am in a self pity mode. I deserve none of the goodness God has given me. If I never reap good on earth, it will still be enough to be saved and not be a slave to sin anymore! To be able to praise God with my heart, soul, and mind is more than I could ever ask! When I think of where He brought me from I can't help but shed tears of joy! My heart just breaks though to think that my daughter would have to pay a heavy price for her mistakes as I have. We don't want our children to go through hurts and pains that are from bad decisions. So the past week has been difficult, but I will leave you with this that I still find amazing. My job is pretty tough, I deal with many, many people a day and many problems, and it is very fast paced. To be honest, I am not crazy about my job, I am very tired at this point and my body hurts. However, I love the people I work with. Saturday night while closing with some of the kids at work, one of the girls said "Miss Pam, you are always so happy, I can't even see you at a funeral, you would be smiling all the time". I looked at her and said "are you serious? You have got to be kidding me. My heart is breaking in a million pieces, I am not happy, and I have turmoil inside me". She said, we know, Miss Pam, but you don't show it on the outside. You are always happy and joyful, you bring life to Chick-fil-A. Right then, I understood so much about how God works through us and how it is about His power and His glory. There was NO WAY I could take credit for bringing life to Chick-fil-A because I knew what was going on inside me. But greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. God is good my friends, God is good......

With much love,


Monday, February 2, 2009

The Race of Faith

Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easliy entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Thank goodness for the great Hall of Faith of the precious saints and the wonderful testimonies in Hebrew 11. It lets me know I am not alone, nor crazy at times. I imagine that is what the writer of Hebrews 12 is wanting us to know, that we are on the right track of the race, even when it doesn't appear so, just like when Jesus was on the cross. In fact, how many times have you done something you felt the Lord was calling you to do that didn't make any sense according to the world, much less some of your friends? Thank goodness for Godly friends who understand what it is like to feel crazy sometimes in the flesh, but to know it is right in the spirit.
That is exactly where I am right now, another crazy move. It seems when God starts moving in a big way in the spiritual, he moves me in the physical. Two and a half years ago the Lord moved me to a new job and the apartment where I am living. It was exciting because I had the dream of the family coming back together. The apartment was a mile from the girls and they could be back and forth between their father's house and mine. The schools were nearby, along with my church. I also felt the Lord had opened up my new job as a ministry so there was lot's of opportunities in different areas. Of course it didn't go that way. I faced one and a half years of persecution at my job, and my x husband felt threatened with me being so close. It wasn't heaven, just the opposite! My sanity was very questionable at times! Needless to say, as you know, tough times lead you to greater peace and knowledge of the Lord. So, here I am two and half years later and the Lord has once again said move. This time it happened right when the abortion issue opened up, or right before it, I would have to get a calendar and pinpoint it. All I know is all of a sudden I felt compelled to downsize, to get rid of everything I did't need and move into something smaller. In fact, to throw off every weight that is holding me down or back. So the past week I have been throwing things out of my apartment to move into a one bedroom. This has been harder than it sounds. For this apartment has become my home. The only one I have had in the past years. It is where me and the girls have made many memories. I even screened in the back porch that looks out into the woods, where my cats and I love to sit and read. As I was walking around my apartment I couldn't help but cry out and tell the Lord I didn't want to move. I wanted to stay. I wanted to hold onto all those dreams I had of the family coming back together. I wanted what was in the past that I couldn't bring back. It felt like my heart was being ripped out because I knew I had to move on. I have to go, to follow the Lord. Like Abram leaving his homeland, and this time I have no dream, I have absolutely nothing but my faith that the Lord is moving me to where He wants me to go. The past is gone, I have to let go and take the Lord's hand and trust Him. But it is so strange not knowing where I am going or what He is doing. I don't even know my own heart anymore. The past abortions have left it raw and open and exposed. I feel I am teetering on exaustion and sorrow, not knowing which will dominate each day. The only thing I do know is that I am fixing my eyes on Jesus, and pressing forward. I may have no idea where God is leading me but I do know this, I want to throw off all the lies, and all the worldly things that hold me back, for the joy set before me. For God is good my friends, God is good.

With much love in Christ,