Wednesday, January 28, 2009

So on my last writing I had gotten to the part of my journey where I had been praying for the Lord to show me where He wanted me to be in His kingdom. I prayed for this to be the year, 2009. See, last year I had spent ministering to single women at work, trying to help them move forward in life through Jesus. I had even talked to my pastor about getting a big house where they could stay for a year at a time to get on their feet and learn some life skills. All I've known is that I want to help people come to know the Lord, and to move forward. I guess because if it wasn't for the Lord I would be living in a motel or possibly on the streets right now. I am so thankful. But you know what has crossed my mind? Sometimes, I think we can want to help others to avoid really looking at ourselves, or letting God help us. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was so busy trying to help others I couldn't see I needed help. Or maybe I was running from this area and didn't even know it. Or maybe God only knows and here I am today. I do know this, God hates the shedding of innocent blood, and I never related that verse to me. I always looked at others, not in blaming or condemnation, just in sorrow, because of knowing they were hurting. But I never looked at myself. It's like yes, I did it, but for some reason it was different for me. I was ok, it didn't effect me. So it was with great amazement when I got added to a group on an email to pray for a Pro Life issue. My friend Robin was talking about how she had always been interested in the movement, and all I could think is, I haven't, so what am I doing in this? Even though the Lord had dealt with my heart during the elections, and I had come to the full conclusion that yes, abortion was wrong and I couldn't agree it, it still wasn't an issue I wanted to get involved with! I had even shared with Deanna some time back that I also, had abortions, and wished her the best in the new bible study she was undertaking. Let me tell you something, I had no desire to go that path, didn't even phase me. But after the emails started circulating and the praying began, Deanna ask me if I would be interested in leading a Post Abortive Bible Study at my church. Well, to be honest, here are my thoughts in the correct order. That is not really a topic I would want to teach and talk about, but I want to help women, so sure I will do it!!!! Like I said, I sometimes we are so busy wanting to help others that we fail to recognize God wanting to help us. In order to teach this, I needed some information. So, I decided to jump right in and join the group! With pen and paper I went to our first meeting at Deanna's house, taking notes on everything Denice had to say. I was really amazed at all the information out there, and didn't even know there were Crisis Pregnancy Centers, or even people who really cared. It was that night that I realized how worldly my thoughts were toward abortion, and how all the information I had about abortion was from the Women's Movement. My mind had not been renewed to see what God was doing, and to know about all the resources available. It was also that night when Denice explained how later term babies were aborted I realized they were real babies, that my abortions were real babies. While sitting there I felt my heart start pounding and everything started caving in. I couldn't get out of that house fast enough. I told them I had to go as the tears began to form and pour down my face. But they wouldn't let me. They all gathered around and each person prayed for me. I couldn't believe what I had done. I felt the foundation of lies crashing in my mind and truth penetrating my heart. There were times I felt my heart would actually stop beating. Just stop. Maybe I wanted it to. I remember leaving and feeling very, very, weak. When I got home I began to pray and talk to God about this area of my life and what I had done. My life hasn't been the same since that night...... The Lord is good my friends, the Lord is good...


Tammy said...

Your words of honesty came through in your post.Thank you for sharing your heart!

When you wrote about being busy help others,I thouhgt I did that for years but I was the one that needed healing.

I never thought much about my abortion,even after my decision,I still thought it was a woman's right.But God changed all that by His Truth!

I now help woman with the issues of abortion,the very thing I ran from for years.

Our God knows the plans He has us,we get have to be willing to listen and do.

In His Grace,

Beth in NC said...

Oh Pam, I'm so glad they didn't let you leave!

I pray your blog will be used to bring healing and life to many women.


Joanne said...

I follow Beth and Deanna's blogs and saw Beth's entry about yours and the one you started with D. Abortion is an issue very near and dear to my heart. I myself have never had an abortion, but I know several women who have had them. One of them in particular, whose name I won't mention publicly, hasn't come to the realization of what she did, but I sense in my heart that she will. Finding other women who I can put her in touch with when the time comes is something very important to me. Also, reading your stories gives me inspiration in the fight and real testimonies that can be shared. I am so glad that God has opened you up to be HEALED!

LisaShaw said...

Pam, this is powerful. As you opened your heart and poured it out before us all I could do is be thankful.

On my Speak on it with LisaS blog I share some of my own personal story of the tragedy in taking the life of my child over 17 years ago through an abortion and the forgiveness, healing received through Christ unto wholeness.

Keep writing, keep speaking, keep sharing for God will use your heart to help others to draw them to HIM in Jesus Name!