Friday, February 20, 2009

I Need Help with a Question!!!!

Ladies, what would you say if someone told you they knew God had forgiven them, but they couldn't forgive themselves? Someone told me this not long ago and I fear that is where I am. The abortions just topped off all the other million things I have done wrong in my life. In my head I know the grace of Jesus Christ is bigger than any sin. It just isn't registering in my heart right now. Also, it appears the Lord is leading me to help post abortive women and the inability to forgive one's self may come up quite a bit. So hopefully, I am going through this to have compassion and understanding for others who feel the same way, and to get more of the crap out of me!! But gosh, right now, everything and every Word of God seems dry and stale. I can definitely see what life without the Word is. Dead. That is how everything is right now. Alright, I have to go to work, but please search your hearts and speak to me!!


LisaShaw said...

Pam, I received your message on my Sharing Life with Lisa blog. I also sent you an email this morning. I have to leave but will be back in a few hours but I wanted to reply now that I'm praying for you. As I said in my email I will email you later with some of how God helped me YEARS ago to receive forgiveness and healing.

I will say that in some situations until we have received His forgiveness (in other words taken it into our hearts and not just our heads), we are not able to fully serve in certain aspects. I did a teaching once about bleeding out on others. Based on Mark 5 which is the chapter God used to bring me from healing to wholeness. I had received his forgiveness but went years with a wound just below the surface that had to go from healed to whole. I too had an abortion (in my mid twenties) and was also abused in my childhood from a child into my mid teens. I was also a single Mother at 21 and I went through a lot as you are but let me tell you that JESUS HEALS AND MAKES WHOLE. He asked the man, "wilt thou be made whole?" That's a question I had to ask myself long ago. Lisa, do you want to be whole? The Lord provides it but we have to receive it. Often we receive head knowledge and not heart.

Ok, I've written a lot and I'm sorry but I did want you to know that you are loved Pam!!! JESUS LOVES YOU!! I love you and many love you.

You have to love you! You have to receive GOD's love in your heart precious sister.

I'll be back later to share with you. I invite you to visit my other blog Speak on it with Lisa where I share some of my heart on my precious child I aborted over 17 yrs ago.

I will be sharing a series I taught at a seminar many yrs ago titled Emotional healing. When I do, I pray you'll visit the blog at that time.

Many Christian women are hurting. I was one for a very long time but we don't have to stay in that pain not with the GOD we belong to and serve.

Love you dear sister and anything I have shared that is a blessing then absorb it and whatever you can not use, discard for all that I share is to help you NOT to harm you.

Bonnie said...

Hi Pam. My name is Bonnie, and I found you through Sharing Life With Lisa. I have experienced the dryness that you've described. Enough times in fact, to know the manipulator who is behind it all. Though I do not know you, I get an immediate impression that God has brought you a mighty long way. Your drive to do His work is evident, therefore you are on the top of satan's hit list. He'll stop at nothing to make you feel unworthy, unsuccessful, incapable, unmotivated, unforgiven....and dry! He badgers with so many condemning and criticizing voices, that if we're not careful, we begin to believe his lies-questioning ourselves and sometimes our forgiveness.

Satan is the stealer, killer, and destroyer. He wants to dry you out so much that you'll feel unable to change your own thought pattern and ultimately feel unable to fulfill the work of the Lord. The interuption to what you know and what you feel is satan's direct work. We obviously do not deserve the forgiveness that we've found in Jesus, but that doesn't change the fact that He still paid the price for our forgiveness. The unforgiveness that is trying to attach itself to you does not line up with this. Allowing ourselves to wallow in unforgiveness is second guessing that the price Jesus paid was enough. We may not always feel warm and fuzzy about the truths of God, but we must continue to walk in what we know to be the truth. Ask God to help your heart line up with what you know. He will!

I can tell you from my own experience in post abortion ministry that the leading you are feeling, to be part of such a ministry, is no doubt a direct result of the confidence God has in you to impact such a ministry.

Be reminded today that “He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ”. (Phillipians 1:6. NKJV. ).


LisaShaw said...

Pam, I am finally back home and you've been on my mind and heart and I had told you I'd return to leave more of a comment but after reading Bonnie's (whom I can tell you is a precious sister in Christ), there isn't much else for me to say. Bonnie is absolutely right!!

I also received your email from your job and I'm glad to be standing with you on your road (journey) to healing and wholeness in Jesus Name.

Remember, YOU ARE LOVED!

Tammy said...

For years I couldn't forgive myself,for years!Then one day God brought me to this verse Proverbs 28:13...People who cover up their sins will not prosper.But if they confess and forsake them,they will receive mercy.

This was my understanding from Him.

I had confessed my abortion but my problem was I wouldn't forsake it.I kept going back to the Cross picking it up,allowing Satan to remind me and in my mind and out of my mouth I would say "I just can't forgive myself."

God then showed me that I could never forgive myself,if that was so,then Jesus didn't need to die. He tells us to forgive others and that we need to receive His forgiveness.

The world is always talking about not being able to "forgive yourself." But once I realized,that was a lie and all God wanted from me was to believe and to leave my past at the Cross,it was then freedom came.

Just stay in the Word,read it out loud if you have to and believe,even if you don't feel it.I promise you it will come.

From time to time I still need to remind Satan..."It's forgiven because Jesus said so!"

You are forgiven!

I'm in total agreement with my friends,Lisa and Bonnie...Amen,Sisters!

Pam said...

Ladies, I want to tell you all that everything you have said is right on target. All words are truthful of my situation. I have a wound that is not healed, the devil is attacking me, and I keep picking my past back up. Do you know, that every now and then I absolutely release the past and it feels like I've stepped into a freshness and openess beyond my wildest dreams, and then I go back and pick it up again It is absolute craziness! It's almost like something in me doesn't think I should be happy and free! I know there is a wound because I can be easily offended, and I keep a guard up. And I know I am being attacked because my thoughts are no where near lining up with the Word. It is like everything has been thrown off of Christ and onto me. It stems from pride, doesn't it? Alright, I am staying on my knees, in the Word, with my ear to the Lord. Send me any scripture, any post on blogs, even your own, (remind me), just soak me with anything of the Lord yall think will help, and of course I thank you for the prayers!! They are the most awesome and appreciated! I know this will be an amazing victory, I just want it to come soon, real soon!!

Pam said...

And thank you for the Love!! Boy do I thanyou for the Love!!! I really need it right now!!! I am wallowing in it, just wallowing....

LisaShaw said...

We are here for you. We are here for each other.

As precious Tammy said, You're forgiven because JESUS SAID SO!

Love you!

Shauna said...

I'm new here! What a great blog :)

Beth in NC said...

Hi Pam, I didn't read the advice on the posts above me, but I can say I've been here. I remember one day I finally had to just realize that I was willing to forgive OTHERS and I spoke out loud, "I forgive BETH. I forgive her Lord." I had to move outside of saying, "ME" and somehow that was the beginning. It was a process, but it was a start. Would you forgive me if I hurt you? Then back away from yourself and forgive Pam. She didn't know what she was doing. She was full of pain and tricked by the world. She was a victim in a lot of ways. Have pity on Pam and forgive her for the lies she believed. God forgives her -- now you try. Ok?

I love you girl!

LisaShaw said...

You were on my heart as I prayed for you again today so I thought I'd come by to leave you a love note from the LORD...


Pam said...

Thank you, all of you...I am so encouraged and I do feel loved...I am taking it one little step at a time....and I am praying for all of you....

S said...

Pam, thank you so much for your willingness to be a fragrant offering that is being poured out at the feet of Jesus... I know that at just the right time He will come to you, in your loneliness and confusion and smile on you in a way that you will recognize His love and forgiveness...just like he did for Mary in the garden... and in the meantime, you have a friend, a sister who is lifting up your weary hands so that you may continue to see the battle be victorious...

Although abortion is not what I struggle with to forgive myself of, I assure you that many other things in my past haunt me from time to time...may Jesus heal and continue to grow us both in our inner "mans"...

Ah... what an amazing picture...that when God the Father looks on us He sees Jesus and says, "Welcome my child... for this I allowed my only Son to suffer and die for you...for the world!"

Anonymous said...

thank you

Daiquiri said...

Take heart. Even those of us who haven't been through something as difficult as abortion struggle with this. It's painful, but a healthy thing to go through, don't you think? You get a taste of who you are without him - just a lowly sinner - we all are. Persevere, sister. He's still there, and he still loves you, and he's still the same as he was when you could feel his peace and grace all around you.

One thing that I find really powerful during these times is worship. Even when the Word seems dry to me...if I can get a little time alone with some good worship makes a huge difference. I sing, I cry, I ask for help, I admit that I'm not even sure why I feel the way I do, but that I need his help anyway.

Take heart - it's a season that we all go through (over and over again, I'm afraid). He has to bring the crud out of the darkness before we can deal with it. Let him deal with you. Trust him and worship him through this time and you'll be through to the other side before you know it.


Pam said...

Thanks Daquiri, I have never experienced dryness like this in my years of walking with the Lord. Although I know the Lord has not left me, it just feels like He has, like everything is dead, and I mean dead. I know the Lord has heard prayers for it is beginning to pass, and loving thank yous for your prayers. To be honest, I don't know how much I could have taken. It was good because of what was learned, but I do not want to go through it again!!

God's Girl said...

It is nice to meet you. : )

I believe when we are in the valley of dryness, it is time to place ourselves back in the place where God can speak to us.

What I do when I've gone through times like this is I start my days listening to Christian teaching. I listen to Jon Courson on the web. God uses him to speak to me on a regular basis.

Then, I get my self into a Women's Bible Study for accountability to be in the Word (one with homework and prayer).

Perhaps do a word study on loving God, the wilderness, or something that may spark interest as to where you are at right now.

And asking for prayer... God hears and responds to the prayers of His people.

I pray that the Lord draws you back to an intimate place with Him!

Bless you!

Pam said...

Thank you Julie, you are so right and so on target. Everything you said. Bless you. I need to hear that over and over. Thank you again. And it is nice to meet you sweetie.