So on my last writing I had gotten to the part of my journey where I had been praying for the Lord to show me where He wanted me to be in His kingdom. I prayed for this to be the year, 2009. See, last year I had spent ministering to single women at work, trying to help them move forward in life through Jesus. I had even talked to my pastor about getting a big house where they could stay for a year at a time to get on their feet and learn some life skills. All I've known is that I want to help people come to know the Lord, and to move forward. I guess because if it wasn't for the Lord I would be living in a motel or possibly on the streets right now. I am so thankful. But you know what has crossed my mind? Sometimes, I think we can want to help others to avoid really looking at ourselves, or letting God help us. I guess what I am trying to say is that I was so busy trying to help others I couldn't see I needed help. Or maybe I was running from this area and didn't even know it. Or maybe God only knows and here I am today. I do know this, God hates the shedding of innocent blood, and I never related that verse to me. I always looked at others, not in blaming or condemnation, just in sorrow, because of knowing they were hurting. But I never looked at myself. It's like yes, I did it, but for some reason it was different for me. I was ok, it didn't effect me. So it was with great amazement when I got added to a group on an email to pray for a Pro Life issue. My friend Robin was talking about how she had always been interested in the movement, and all I could think is, I haven't, so what am I doing in this? Even though the Lord had dealt with my heart during the elections, and I had come to the full conclusion that yes, abortion was wrong and I couldn't agree it, it still wasn't an issue I wanted to get involved with! I had even shared with Deanna some time back that I also, had abortions, and wished her the best in the new bible study she was undertaking. Let me tell you something, I had no desire to go that path, didn't even phase me. But after the emails started circulating and the praying began, Deanna ask me if I would be interested in leading a Post Abortive Bible Study at my church. Well, to be honest, here are my thoughts in the correct order. That is not really a topic I would want to teach and talk about, but I want to help women, so sure I will do it!!!! Like I said, I sometimes we are so busy wanting to help others that we fail to recognize God wanting to help us. In order to teach this, I needed some information. So, I decided to jump right in and join the group! With pen and paper I went to our first meeting at Deanna's house, taking notes on everything Denice had to say. I was really amazed at all the information out there, and didn't even know there were Crisis Pregnancy Centers, or even people who really cared. It was that night that I realized how worldly my thoughts were toward abortion, and how all the information I had about abortion was from the Women's Movement. My mind had not been renewed to see what God was doing, and to know about all the resources available. It was also that night when Denice explained how later term babies were aborted I realized they were real babies, that my abortions were real babies. While sitting there I felt my heart start pounding and everything started caving in. I couldn't get out of that house fast enough. I told them I had to go as the tears began to form and pour down my face. But they wouldn't let me. They all gathered around and each person prayed for me. I couldn't believe what I had done. I felt the foundation of lies crashing in my mind and truth penetrating my heart. There were times I felt my heart would actually stop beating. Just stop. Maybe I wanted it to. I remember leaving and feeling very, very, weak. When I got home I began to pray and talk to God about this area of my life and what I had done. My life hasn't been the same since that night...... The Lord is good my friends, the Lord is good...

It is late. I just got home from work and have to turn around and go back in the morning. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been commenting and giving me encouragement. You have no idea, (or maybe you do, that is why you are doing it!) of how much it means to me. I have had the opportunity to visit your blogs tonight, and it is such a testimony to see what the Lord is doing in your lives. It gives me the courage to continue to be transparent and to seek Christ. It speaks boldly of the love you have for Jesus and your desire to please Him and not men. I am so thankful for all of you, and what you are doing to help free other women from the lies of satan in all the different areas of our lives. May we all continue to strive together to build the wonderful, loving Kingdom of God, and to praise our Heavenly Father together!

Grace and Peace to you all...

Pam

Its funny how people think Christians should somehow be perfect and do everything right! After I was saved, believe me, even though the Lord took away a lot of the bad desires I had and began to replace them with good ones, I was far from being perfect! In fact if you looked up stupid in the dictionary at that time you would have seen a picture of Pam right beside it! I was not very wise at all, had made numerous bad decisions, and I was very immature and selfish. I ran away from all my problems and never toughed things out, and that is where you grow and mature in life, even as a non Christian. So, when I got saved I had a long way to go to even catch up to most people who were 40! So don't ever be too hard on one another, because we are all at different stages and some of us are way behind! Anyway, I still made a couple of bad decisions as a Christian but the Lord brought me through those because of his wonderful grace. In 2003 He got me all alone for the first time in my life. No husband, no boyfriend, no children, (they were living an hour away), no money, no nothing. I lived in a house in the country where it was very dark and very lonely, and I cried a lot on my knees as the Lord spent 16 months working out a lot of the junk that was in me. It hurt, it was hard, I kept telling Him I wasn't going to make it, but guess what? By his grace I did. The Word got me through. I kept believing it more than what I saw. After 16 months a job opened up where my kids live, I moved close to them, found a church with wonderful friends, and settled in to watch all my dreams of the family coming back together materialize! I just knew that was what God was doing, restoring my family! That had been my prayer. I had even memorized the entire chapter of Isaiah 61 to declare this was going to happen! I declared it, and I just knew it was from the Lord! So the first couple of years I waited, getting upset because things were not happening, in fact, they were getting worse as the girls got older and became teenagers! This dream was so embedded in me, and such a part of my life that I could not think of anything else! That is all I wanted. So as the years passed by, (it has been 4 since I have been here) I watched as the dream just slowly faded away. In all honesty, I wish it was that way, but I kicked and screamed and begged God over and over to restore my family!! Threw temper tantrums! Remember, don't look at Christians as being perfect!!! And especially me!! But you know what, eventually God began to take that desire from my heart and one day I realized I didn't have it before God. I had God first, and I had no idea of what He wanted to do with me, none. In fact, my prayer at the end of 2008 was that He would show me what He wanted me to do, or where He wanted me to go in 2009. So that brings us to this blog and the past couple of weeks of my life. I do know one thing for certain, Isaiah 61 wasn't meant for the restoration of my family, it was meant for the restoration of me. God is good my friends, God is good.

This is the beginning of my Journey of Grace. Now realizing that it is truly grace that we live by, and having experienced it in massive degrees lately through Jesus Christ, I want to start sharing my experiences. Not only mine, but others also, as we are here to help one another in the body of Christ, and to bring Christ to non believers who are in need of hope, forgiveness, love, and of course Grace. Everyday the Lord pours out His grace into the world. We have common grace through the law that keeps things in order. Have you ever wondered what would happen if they lifted all the laws of the land tomorrow? We have our conscious, that tells us when we are doing right or wrong. Although we can harden it can't we, or get it pretty warped with the justifying of our wrong doings! Alright, then there is all the nature that stays in order and of course feeds us, with the sun, moon, and seasons playing their part! And what about rain?? We also have medical care, and beds, and shoes, and smiles, and a million other things that God bestows on us to give us comfort and provide a beautiful world. Now that is just the outside, mind you. Let's get to the inside, to the part that really matters, the part that determines how you see all the stuff on the outside! What happens when we do mess up, and sometimes mess up a lot?? What happens when we can't change things, or make up the mess ups to our kids, or our spouses, or whoever we wronged or hurt, even ourselves? What happens when we realize one day things just aren't what they should be, we aren't what we should be, and all the good things we are trying to do just aren't working? The good things, the good being, just isn't making things right?
What happens when we can't make it right no matter what we do? For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That is what the bible says. Romans 3:23 And the wages of sin are death. Romans 6:23 Now that doesn't sound good at all, kind of like we are dead inside because of sin, we have messed everything up, because it only takes one thing to not be perfect, and well, we just can't make it right! I know I couldn't, I tried everything. Thought I could though. It took 25 years of trying everything there was out there before I finally came to the end of myself. And boy was I glad the day I just quit trying and ask God to please save me. Save me Lord and change me. I am sorry Lord, I have sinned, I need you Lord to save me. I remember calling out to Him on my knees 7 years ago. And you know what, He did! And you know what Ephesians 2: 8 says? It is by grace you have been saved, through faith, and not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of works, so that no one may boast! I was washed clean, forgiven, and given a brand new life in Christ, and a brand new outlook on life! The world was different to me! So began my life in grace, and that was 7 years ago this month. In fact on January 30 will be 7 years. But, get this. The grace didn't end. It was just the beginning. And the past couple of weeks I have experienced grace in depths beyond my wildest dreams. You know, becoming a Christian is just the beginning of our journey. We spend our lives getting to know our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and how much He really loves us. But grace my friend, grace is beautiful, and amazing.........more to come later!!

With much love in Christ,

Pam